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I need some Russian swearwords!

Hey, Everyone,

This is just a quick one today. But, basically, I want to know if anyone out there can speak Russian? Or, at least is fluent in Russian cuss words.

Here’s the thing: I’m been amusing myself of late by posting some nasty things about Vladimir Putin to social media. It may not do any good, and it may not help Ukraine at all, but, you never can tell. Maybe one of my little virtual spitballs will land in someplace annoying.

What I’ve been doing in particular is posting short, Russian language blurbs urging Russians…particularly Russians in the military and the intelligence services…to do something productive and wholesome. Like stage a coup. Or something fine and wonderful like that.

Again, probably won’t happen. But you never can tell. Maybe somebody will get a bright idea.

Anyway, so far my posts have included:

Soldiers! Siloviki! You have the power to save Russia. Remove Putin now, before he kills everyone.

A “Siloviki” is a member of the security forces, by the way. Anyway, when I feed this comment into Google and Bing translate, I get:

Солдаты! силовики́! В ваших силах спасти Россию. Уберите Путина сейчас, пока он не убил всех.

I’m hoping that comes fairly close to a coherent remark in Russian. But, I can only guess. So, can anyone spot me on that? Anybody have a better translation?

As for just straight out insults, I’m very fond of this one:

Пу́тин — хуйло́

I’m told that this means…well…we have it in Anglo-Yiddish as “Putin is such a putz.” Except it is way more insulting. As in waaaaaaaay more insulting.

That’s what I’m told, anyway. Hope I’m right and Google/Bing, Wikipedia, and Urban Dictionary haven’t led me down the proverbial primrose path.

But, finally, the one I really want help with is as follows: “Send a newcomer with Putin’s tea,” which Google/Bing translates to:

Послать новичка с путинским чаем

Now, this one is complicated so stay with me. “Newcomer” in Russian is “Novichok.” But, also, Novichok is the name of a group of Russian chemical weapons. They are nerve agents, and they’re said to be among the most poisonous materials ever developed. They are “newcomers”…that is new to the scene…and so were called Novichok weapons.

Got all that? Okay, it gets better. Russian intelligent agencies have used Novichok weapons against Russian dissidents—most recently, Alexei Navalny may have received a near fatal dose in his tea.


What I’m trying to get across is that some stalwart silovik should slip a little Novichok into Putin’s tea.

But that’s a pretty complicated sentence, and plays on words are hard even when you’re familiar with the language — and heaven knows, I don’t speak Russian.

So, anyone out there who has any familiarity with Russian, let me know if that sounds anything like real Russian. And even if it doesn’t…

Forward the idea, if not the exact wording, to any Siloviki you might know.

They’ll thank you for it later.


Until next time…

Onward and upward.


Copyright©2022 Michael Jay Tucker

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